So graham crackers … those are a stoner invention, right? I mean, don’t you have to be a little high to think to yourself, “Dude! What if I take a Saltine and combine that with a snicker-doodle? My name is Graham. We’ll call’m graham crackers. Mind … blown.” Why?! Why would you do that?

Graham crackers are the first food in history to successfully be an equally terrible¬†cracker and cookie at the same time. Matter of fact, I take back my original assessment. You don’t have to be a little high. You have to be the sort of high that causes you to wake up on your futon at two in the morning and decide to make French toast, but all you have in your kitchen is a bag of croutons and a carton of eggnog that’s already gone bad, and you still make French toast. That’s the level of stoner ingenuity that gave us the graham cracker.

Despite that fact, I’m glad to see marijuana continuing on its path to full legitimization. Personally, I believe all drugs should be legalized, since every man, woman, and child in this country is already on drugs. The only reason you judge anyone else’s drug use is because you either don’t understand the effects of the drug or the mindset of the people using the drug.

For example, maybe you keep a lot of late nights, but you also work a day job. Chances are you’re on caffeine most of the time. Or maybe you have a really sweet scrap metal collection, but you’re also afraid monsters live under your bed. Maybe you should smoke some meth. Or maybe you just really like to get in fights and throw up after having sex with strangers; therefore, alcohol. Personally, none of those drugs appeal to me, because I can’t personally relate. But then … there’s heroin.

I can very easily imagine myself curled up in the fetal position, with my head under a blanket, crying in the corner of a public restroom on some smack. That’s a drug that makes sense.

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