My kid’s in middle school now, and something’s been troubling me something awful, and it’s the question: “Am I failing to neglect my child?”

Here’s the thing: I’m a performing artist and have been for most of my life. I don’t have the life skills or experiences necessary to guide my child towards a life of prosperity and emotional stability. I can’t teach him to be a man or score with women, because again, those are skills and experiences I just don’t have. The best I can do is teach him how to pat away tears without ruining his eye makeup. That said … I’m still there!

Week after week, I hear other comedians talk about dead and absent parents, and broken homes, but I never had that. My parents are still alive, married, and middle class. And that shit is holding me back(!) from doing anything that might risk homelessness or unemployment. So then, I wonder, is my lack of substance abuse a form of child abuse? And I think, “yes.”

Sure, I’m queer as fuck, but I’ve never sucked a dick in front of my child. So, where are the scars? Where’s the irreparable damage? How will he gain the desperate need for constant approval from a room full of intoxicated strangers?

(listen at


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