Me and Powell’s

One of Portland, Oregon’s greatest landmarks is Powell’s City of Books. Sadly, I can no longer go there.

It has nothing to do with Powell’s. In fact, me and Powell’s are pals, but I can’t stop myself from forming irrational crushes on anyone who reads books. And once I form an irrational crush, it’s really only a matter of time before I flirt with them in some incredibly awkward way that just leaves us both feeling uncomfortable and dissatisfied.

But that’s just how I flirt. I just encroach upon someone else’s otherwise pleasant day, shit all over it, go home, lock myself in my bedroom and cry, until I lose consciousness or my body simply runs out of tears. That’s why I drink so much liquor; it accelerates the drying out process.

What can I say? I’m a real people’s third gender. I am HOT!

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Double Dad Duty

Children will do strange things to make you look like a pedophile. For example, when my kid (whose name I won’t disclose) was about three, we went to a church function, because his mom is a Christian, which is why she’s a whore. And his best friend Colin also attends this church. And I can tell you Colin’s name, because he’s not my kid. So, fuck’m.

Anyhow, Colin’s dad is smarter than me, and weaseled his way out of the situation. So, when these little boys needed to use the bathroom, my child – being the model Christian he is – volunteered me for double dad duty, which was fine, and I did it without a second thought … until they were both about midstream. It was at that moment that I realized I was a grown man standing behind two little boys – neither of whom looked like mine – with their pants around their ankles, and I learned something in that moment:

I learned that I never wanted to be in that situation again.

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Go Big or Go Home

When I commit suicide tomorrow, I don’t want to use any of those boring methods, like poison or strangulation. I figure, you only get to kill yourself once, so you should really go big or go home. But I wouldn’t shoot myself or jump off a building either, because I’m a neat freak, and that just seems inconsiderate. But what I might do is strip naked in my backyard, cover myself from head to toe in peanut butter and cracked corn, and allow myself to be eaten by squirrels.

It should only take a few minutes, but I figure it’s fairly creative and, as an added bonus, I enjoy feeding wildlife.

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Relationship Success

A couple of years ago, I tried out online dating, and noticed that strange things get said like, “I enjoy discussing atheism and politics.” I mean, I’m interested in those topics too and like to stay informed, but I don’t like to have conversations that end in arguments on a first date. I mean, if we really hit it off, we’ll have all the time in the world to hate each other.

To be fair, I only tried free sites, because meeting the next person to ruin my life should be free. It’s also hard to commit to a relationship once you end a ten year marriage, because now, no matter who I’m with, I know there’s someone else out there who could make me just as miserable. Plus, I already have a kid and a vasectomy. So, there’s no genetic incentive in it for me.

Also, children are the ultimate long term relationship. You clothe, house, and feed them for twenty plus years, while they do absolutely nothing in return. And, as with his mother, if all my years of hard work and sacrifice result in my child fucking his boss and getting a sweet house and car out of the deal, I’ll consider it a success.

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