Children will do strange things to make you look like a pedophile. For example, when my kid (whose name I won’t disclose) was about three, we went to a church function, because his mom is a Christian, which is why she’s a whore. And his best friend Colin also attends this church. And I can tell you Colin’s name, because he’s not my kid. So, fuck’m.

Anyhow, Colin’s dad is smarter than me, and weaseled his way out of the situation. So, when these little boys needed to use the bathroom, my child – being the model Christian he is – volunteered me for double dad duty, which was fine, and I did it without a second thought … until they were both about midstream. It was at that moment that I realized I was a grown man standing behind two little boys – neither of whom looked like mine – with their pants around their ankles, and I learned something in that moment:

I learned that I never wanted to be in that situation again.

(listen at


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