In a hyper-progressive city like Portland, it can be fun and easy to make fun of conservatives and Republicans, but I actually agree with them about one thing: I give exactly zero fucks about climate change.

Don’t get the wrong idea. Obviously, climate change is real, and yes, it’s highly accelerated by human activity. But in the short term, if we’re truly¬†concerned about melting ice caps and rising sea levels, we can take tankers to the glaciers, gather up all that melting ice, and put it back. I call it Project Ice Tray.

And in the long term, we’re a resourceful, resilient species, and there’s a certain depth underground where temperature has remained constant. So, all we have to do is go there and live like mole people, communicating via Morse code by banging our heads against the wall. We can illumine the whole thing with advanced LED technology. It’ll be all Crystal Caves and shit.

What I’m saying is, we need to fulfill the dream of Fraggle Rock.

Now, some of you might be thinking, “But Daniel, how will we power this spectacular, subterranean apparatus of yours?” The answer is simple. We cover the surface with solar panels, which’ll work like gang-busters without an atmosphere. Plus, we will have effectively transformed our small, island home into a cosmic disco ball within the orbit of which advanced civilizations can throw raves.

Truly, we will have done the LORD’s work.

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