Pork Chops

Last year, scientists confirmed that pork causes cancer, which is how you know that shit’s delicious!

Think about it: smoking, unprotected sex, red meat, huffing gasoline – if it’s enjoyable, it causes cancer. So, it seems clear to me that God wants us to have cancer, and who am I, mortal man that I am, to resist the will of God? Why else would he make cancer the most fun disease to contract?

Someone disagreed with me at a show once and shouted out, “What about syphilis?” To which I politely replied, “Fuck all that.”

In order to get syphilis I would need to exercise and develop social skills; pork chops have no such requirement. Not once in my life have I ever been rejected by a pork chop. That’s a 100% success rate with zero performance anxiety, because I’ve also never failed to finish a pork chop.

(Listen at https://soundcloud.com/yourfaultforlistening/black)

Genital Injustice

I measured my dick recently to see how it measured up to other penises. Or is the plural just “penis?” “Peni?” “Peneses?” Doesn’t matter. Point being, I have a huge dick. Not because I’m Black or anything stereotypical. It’s just its length relative to my diminutive height.

But in my research, I happened upon an actual medical term. The official clinical term for a penis that is less than three inches when fully erect is, in fact, a micro-penis … which is messed up, and more for the physician than the patient, because how do you deliver that diagnosis with a straight face? It just seems unfair to the medical community, as a whole.

But for me, it begged the question, “What is the female equivalent or counterpart to a micro-penis?” And to my dismay, there isn’t one, which is even more messed up. So, being a social advocate, I have taken it upon myself to make a movie, to raise awareness of this genital injustice, and it is entitled MICRO-PENIS VERSUS MEGA-CUNT. It’s a creature feature.

You see, Micro-Penis and Mega-Cunt are both terrorizing the prudish townsfolk, as they battle it out for social relevance. Micro-Penis shoots syphilitic semen, whereas Mega-Cunt devours her victims whole. She doesn’t kill them mind you, because (as we all know) anything that passes through her voluptuously engorged lips eventually falls back out … utterly drained of self-worth.

Now, for the sake of realism, I think it’s important that Mega-Cunt come out victorious over Micro-Penis, during the climax. But I also don’t want to alienate the men’s rights movement. So I figure, tickets for my movie will cost 20% more than the majority of movie tickets, so only White and Asian men can afford to see it.

(listen at https://soundcloud.com/yourfaultforlistening/coleman)

Snag Your Man

I read an article, the other night, advising women on “how to snag your man.” By “your man,” the article specified “that cute guy at the office, or that hot single dad in the bread aisle at the supermarket.”

One of the more fascinating suggestions was to “tilt your head to one side, look up, and tussle your hair when he speaks.” Though that may sound ridiculous, these are unconscious cues that have evolved with our species to signal sexual receptivity. The catch is, if you’re already attracted to someone, you’ll already do them. So, if you consciously try to do them, you’ll effectively do it twice as much, at which point it’s no longer sexually inviting and just looks crazy.

So, seeing as I am a reasonably attractive single dad who peruses the bread aisle at the supermarket, from time to time, I would like to offer all the ladies out there in podcast land a superior strategy:

… but I have no idea what that would be, and if I did, I wouldn’t be reading an article about how to snag your man.

(listen at https://www.soundcloud.com/yourfaultforlistening/brannon)

#fuckabear

Everyone’s talking about climate change these days, but never seem to address human concerns. It’s always about coral and polar bears, because “all the polar bears are gonna go extinct.”

But let me ask you this: Less than a hundred years ago, there was this thing called The Holocaust, and some guy named Adolf Hitler murdered six million Jews and a whole bunch of other people. Where were your precious polar bears during that shit? You mean to tell me Hitler wasn’t on their radar?

Now, some of you might be thinking, “But Daniel, that’s ridiculous. Polar bears don’t have radar.”

“Well, that’s not my fault either! Maybe, had they evolved a little faster and developed radar, they’d have known we were killing the planet and could have prepped for it, like we’re about to do.”

What I’m saying is, I’m sick and tired of people making excuses for polar bears. They’ve seen us. They’ve seen our technology. They know what we can do. They’ve seen you use a smartphone. But when’s the last time you saw a polar bear post #blacklivesmatter? Answer: Never. #truth And why? Because polar bears are assholes. That’s why.

Fuck a polar bear. Run up behind him, club him like a baby seal, and lay some all American lead pipe in that fuzzy, little male box, and drill baby drill ’til he’s raw and bloody. Maybe frack’m a few times in the kidneys, before you finish him off with a hot, thick, mercurial cream pie and choke him out like smog. Then, while he’s still unconscious, you can walk around to the front, use his tongue to mop off, piss on him, buck’m in the forehead like it was 5th Avenue, and throw that motherfucker in the ocean – #fuckabear!

… or maybe I just need to stop watching Fox News.

(listen at https://soundcloud.com/yourfaultforlistening/hyjinx)