Last year, scientists confirmed that pork causes cancer, which is how you know that shit’s delicious!

Think about it: smoking, unprotected sex, red meat, huffing gasoline – if it’s enjoyable, it causes cancer. So, it seems clear to me that God wants us to have cancer, and who am I, mortal man that I am, to resist the will of God? Why else would he make cancer the most fun disease to contract?

Someone disagreed with me at a show once and shouted out, “What about syphilis?” To which I politely replied, “Fuck all that.”

In order to get syphilis I would need to exercise and develop social skills; pork chops have no such requirement. Not once in my life have I ever been rejected by a pork chop. That’s a 100% success rate with zero performance anxiety, because I’ve also never failed to finish a pork chop.

(Listen at


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