Dear Brain,

I know we have chronic depression and you’d really like to find the root cause and cure, but maybe 4am every morning isn’t the best time; especially after you already kept us up all night with your belly aching.

I mean, come on. Seriously. While you’re searching our memory banks for everything that’s wrong with us, every mistake we’ve ever made, and every hurtful thing anyone has ever said or done to us, you may want to recall that our psychiatrist told us about the importance of sleep. I really think more sleep might be the cure you’re so desperately searching for.

Sleep has been shown to help regulate mood, weight, hormones, and overall cognition. So maybe, instead of keeping us awake for days at a time, worrying about being depressed, fat, short, queer, broke, and stupid, we could just try to get a full night’s sleep. Granted, I’m pretty sure you already know that. I’m just saying, I’m fairly certain we’re the only one’s awake at these ungodly hours. So, what’s the point?

I’m not trying to be mean or talk down to you. After all, you’re quite literally the brains of this operation, but we’ve tried the sleep deprivation and self-loathing strategy for years. Maybe it’s time to accept outside advice from all those clinical professionals I paid for. Otherwise, you’re kind of wasting my money, and that’s not cool. Plus, you know you’re just going to freak out about the money if I take us back to the doctors to get you back on your medication.

I’m not saying you can’t freak out from time to time. I’m not even saying you aren’t allowed to criticize my every fault. All I’m saying is, let’s do it between the hours of 6am and 6pm. Then give me four hours to not feel like garbage, so we can get some sleep. Better yet, how about we wake up at 6am, but you save all the negativity until around eight? That way, we can get out of bed, shower and be productive, first.

I love you and appreciate our early morning chats, but you just get so frustrated when we lie in bed too long and then have to rush around to finally start our day. And you know all those skipped showers make us self-conscious about body odor. Plus, if we get a little more sleep, we could start exercising again. Remember how thin we got that one time? How masculine we were able to act?

Of course, I also remember that we sank into a different sort of depression and got super irritable, but maybe that was just because you fall in love too easily and kept getting us into unhealthy relationships. Maybe, if you didn’t always go for people who want to take advantage of our better nature, you wouldn’t always feel taken advantage of. Besides, we don’t have to go on one of those crazy starvation diets you always think are such a great idea. We can eat carbs and exercise too.

OK. I’m sorry about the masculinity comment, too. I promise, we don’t have to act like men, starve ourselves, or exercise all the time; just a few times a week, but let’s definitely get more sleep, shower everyday (or even every other day), and maybe lighten up a bit.

We’re depressed. I get that, but this constant barrage of negativity isn’t helping.

Oh well. Good morning.

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