I felt pretty good about my liberal cred this last week, because I went to my local health food store and picked up a bottle of all natural, USDA Certified Organic, non-GMO, hormone free, cruelty free, fair trade, vegetarian fed, pasture raised lotion. The best part is it’s Everyone brand, so I can wear it in safe spaces.
But when I got it home, I noticed it also claims to be a 3-in-1 lotion, because you can use it on your hands, face, and body – as is the nature of lotion – and part of me hopes they fired the head of marketing over it. Like, “Really Tom?”
By the way, Tom went on to pursue a lucrative career in apparel design, where he pioneered 4-in-1 pants to be worn on your left leg, right leg, ass, and genitals. They’re totally revolutionizing the world of pants.
But even sillier than the whole 3-in-1 thing, the bottle I got also claims to be “Just for Men.” So, I have to ask. Are str8 guys worried they’ll sprout ovaries, if they use the “wrong” lotion? Is this a hot button issue, right now? I mean, it would certainly explain Trump’s popularity.
“We gotta make America great again, with notes of wood and citrus!”
(listen at http://soundcloud.com/yourfaultforlistening/traeger)
As some may have discerned, I am Black. But I often feel like an honorary Black, because I don’t rap, can’t dance, have no interest in sports, and I don’t intimidate White people. So basically, I get all the racism with none of the benefits.
Although, I did knock up a White woman. So, I think that qualifies me to use terms like “honky” and “cracker,” but “nigger” still sounds racist – which is fine by me, because I prefer derogatory terms for White people, because no one gets hurt, because there’s no power behind those words. It’s kind of like blasphemy.
I mean, if we go ahead and assume there really is a supreme power manipulating all things, I’m pretty sure being called a “fat fuck” is at the bottom of its list of reasons to smite someone. But if you call God a nigger, I’m pretty sure he’ll set the world ablaze.
(listen at https://soundcloud.com/yourfaultforlistening/tonyc)
I recently performed at a cannabis club, and if you’ve never been to one of these, I highly recommend watching the 1930s cinematic classic REEFER MADNESS, because that’s where I told jokes recently.
Upon entering, I did what I always do, and went straight to the back, to check in with the show’s producer, who told me to check in with the doorman. I politely replied, “What doorman?” To which he replied, “Walter,” as he pointed to the dab bar.
It took me a moment to process that Walter, the doorman, was also the large man finishing a bong rip at the end of the bar. All the same, I checked in with Walter, once he finished coughing, and then, I noticed one of the dab tenders wearing a GoPro, which made me extremely uncomfortable, until I realized she was the security camera. So, if you’re keeping tabs, the entire security for this club specializing in copious amounts of a substance more valuable per ounce than gold was Walter, the meandering doorman, and a hipster with a GoPro, which gave me an idea…
We need a new level of prison security: stoner level. You can leave all the doors wide open and ask the prisoners not to escape. Throw in some video games and you’re golden.
(listen at http://www.soundcloud.com/yourfaultforlistening/silberman)
Having served my time in the trenches, I still feel a strong connection with retail workers. And by “the trenches,” I mean aisle 8 – the chaos aisle.
Aisle 8 was the aisle that started with bread and canned goods, but ended with feminine hygiene and incontinence products. Aisle 8 was where a charming, young man misplaced a large bag of heroin. Aisle 8 was also where an elderly gentleman once dropped his pants and took a giant shit in the middle of the aisle, before the stunt was repeated on two more occasions by two different, unrelated customers.
And on more than one occasion did a sex worker come in to buy sweats or scrubs, having misplaced her clothing the night before, but only once did she come in completely naked to buy mascara.
(listen at http://www.soundcloud.com/yourfaultforlistening/srinivasan)