I felt pretty good about my liberal cred this last week, because I went to my local health food store and picked up a bottle of all natural, USDA Certified Organic, non-GMO, hormone free, cruelty free, fair trade, vegetarian fed, pasture raised lotion. The best part is it’s Everyone brand, so I can wear it in safe spaces.
But when I got it home, I noticed it also claims to be a 3-in-1 lotion, because you can use it on your hands, face, and body – as is the nature of lotion – and part of me hopes they fired the head of marketing over it. Like, “Really Tom?”
By the way, Tom went on to pursue a lucrative career in apparel design, where he pioneered 4-in-1 pants to be worn on your left leg, right leg, ass, and genitals. They’re totally revolutionizing the world of pants.
But even sillier than the whole 3-in-1 thing, the bottle I got also claims to be “Just for Men.” So, I have to ask. Are str8 guys worried they’ll sprout ovaries, if they use the “wrong” lotion? Is this a hot button issue, right now? I mean, it would certainly explain Trump’s popularity.
“We gotta make America great again, with notes of wood and citrus!”