Oreo

A coworker of mine recently introduced me to Swedish Fish Oreo Cookies, and if that suggestion makes you a bit nauseous, I feel that’s to be expected. I mean, don’t get me wrong; Swedish Fish and Oreo Cookies are separate but equally good snack foods, but when you combine the two, it tears society apart, and eats away at its very core.

And then you wonder why society’s in the state it’s in, today. Look at the signs, people! They’re in the cookie aisle.

My primary issue with it is that there are sixty-eight different varieties of Oreo Cookie. I know this, because I looked it up. But all the other varieties, no matter how exotic, make sense with milk, because that is the intended coupling of Oreos. Oreos are meant to be dunked in milk. Or, if you’re broke and didn’t plan your groceries very well, crumbled up into a bowl of milk and you call that shit cereal. Point being, Oreos are meant to be eaten with milk.

What sort of godless heathen is washing down fistfuls of Swedish Fish with a tall glass of milk?

In my opinion there are only three acceptable kinds of Oreo: original, peanut butter, and mint. Some might argue Double Stuf, but I’m a little more traditional and believe snacking is between two cookies and one cream.

(listen at bit.ly/yffl-schinderle)

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Suck The Time Away

I heard from a coworker, this past week, that people have started cheating at Pokemon Go. I guess they’re hacking into the code to get through the levels faster, which is appalling to me, because the point of a time suck is to suck away the time, and if you get through it faster, you’re effectively wasting a waste of time.

And there are plenty of things you should cheat at, in life, like business, taxes, and being vegan, but the wasting of time is sacred; just look at marriage and religion – the only difference being, unlike marriage, Pokemon might get you laid; and unlike religion, involvement with Pokemon doesn’t automatically make you an asshole, but in all three cases, it isn’t until you stop doing them that you realize you have nothing to show for your efforts.

(listen at https://soundcloud.com/yourfaultforlistening/binta)

The Race War

I may lose my membership for telling you this, but there really is a race war goins on; it’s widely televised and passive aggressive as fuck, and here’s how it works:

Every couple of years, we [People of Color] coin some new, irrational slang term like “fo’ shizzle,” “bootylicious,” or “fuck boy,” and place it prominently into a pop song just gully enough to retain street cred, but just Top 40 enough fa’ yo’ punk asses to peep the new flava; and we’ll play it around you every chance we get, until you lose yo’ goddamn minds and start saying it too, at which point we stop … immediately – just to make you look like assholes. You can rest assured, if we listen to an urban classic in the privacy of our own homes, we sing that shit loud and proud, like it’s the dopest shit on the block, but let us hear you say it and we won’t hesitate to tell you we don’t fux with that shit no more – or as y’all would say, “that shit is whack, dawg.”

It’s a bit shady and I know that, but fair is fair, and y’all muthafuckas did fire the first shots.

(listen at http://www.soundcloud.com/yourfaultforlistening/parks)