The Ken Doll

People don’t always believe me when I say I’m getting older, but it’s true: age really is a thing that happens, and the most frustrating part about my aging process is that I’m not getting any better. Like, I had really hoped to get my shit together by the time I reached my thirties, but even now I feel like I’m just beginning to find myself, and question the most basic components of my identity – like my own sexuality and whether I was born with it or maybe it’s Maybelline.

Granted, I recently found a shade of lipstick of which I’m particularly fond called “Cosmo Kitty.” So, it turns out my gender identity may be thirteen year old girl, which is a bit more specific than I would have otherwise thought.

That said, I can understand why my image confuses people. Some assume I’m a cross dresser, though I don’t personally see it that way. Others have assumed I’m transitioning into a woman, and that’s not exactly true either, because I don’t want a vagina; I just don’t want a penis. Basically, I just want nothing there – The Ken Doll, if you will. Like, if I could just have a black hole for a crotch, that would be perfect. And I don’t get why, with all our scientific advances, we can’t just remove the Higgs Boson from my genitals.

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Porn & Chat Rooms

I just can’t with free internet pornography.

Some of my readers may be too young to remember the early days of free internet pornography – also known as the early days of the internet – back when the internet was just porn and chat rooms, and chat rooms about porn. But back in the good old days, when America was great, you would visit your favorite porn site (which was any site, at all), and be presented with beautiful, low res images of young couples making sweet, passionate love behind a dumpster in an abandoned warehouse – like your parents used to do. You’d click on your preferred picture and, even though the scene was only going to be [maybe] three minutes long, you had a good three hours for it to load. So, you had time to go downstairs and make yourself a nice post-masturbatory snack or, if you felt especially saucy, you could order a pizza. So, it was good for the economy.

You’d go back upstairs and, with all that pint up tension, you were bound to finish before anything weird happened. You’d eat your snack and rest peacefully, just as God intended.

But nowadays, you go to any one of these sites and you’re instantly bombarded with image after image of people munching on each other’s prolapsed rectums. Now, maybe I’m old fashioned, but I miss the days when internal organs stayed inside the body. You can call me a prude, if you must, but some traditions should never die.

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Bathroom Book

We all weigh ourselves after using the bathroom, right? That’s something we’re all doing and I’m not just a freak?

It’s a tricky proposition though, because you want to have lost some weight, or it’s kind of a disappointment, but if you lose too much weight, you have to question your lifestyle choices. Like, if you lose 10lb in one sitting, you probably need a new diet.

Anyhow, one of my friends recently bought me a bathroom book, which is a strange concept to me, because my primary goal when using the bathroom is to leave as soon as possible. Whereas, when I read a book, I want to take my time and really absorb the information. Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever drunk a beverage while peeing or eaten a sandwich while pooping, but absorption and expulsion are awkward activities to combine.

What I do, however, enjoy doing while using the bathroom is meditating. Both are activities I don’t particularly enjoy, want to end as soon as I begin, and I figure the toilet is the best place to contemplate my true nature and flush it down the drain.

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Yes We Can

This is the time of year that I go on the prowl… for the dick. And not just any dick, but that good dick; that Grade A, top of the line dick; that dick so good you need it to call into work for you, the next morning. And if you should ever find that dick, it’s important to form an airtight bond with it, because once had, you’ll be unable to speak. So, you need it to understand your nonverbal cues and what it’s done to you.

I’ve had that kind of dick in my life, which is why you’ll never see me sit at a live show, because I’ll fuck around, sit on a bar stool, and end up on the floor; and that’s a bad look, but a fine dick.

And that’s my hope for all my readers and listeners, because you deserve a big dick. I deserve a big dick. Yes we can(!) take a big dick. I have a dream(!) that someday, we will all get a big dick. Hallelujah! Thank you Jesus! – hung up on the big dick.

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