I just can’t with free internet pornography.

Some of my readers may be too young to remember the early days of free internet pornography – also known as the early days of the internet – back when the internet was just porn and chat rooms, and chat rooms about porn. But back in the good old days, when America was great, you would visit your favorite porn site (which was any site, at all), and be presented with beautiful, low res images of young couples making sweet, passionate love behind a dumpster in an abandoned warehouse – like your parents used to do. You’d click on your preferred picture and, even though the scene was only going to be [maybe] three minutes long, you had a good three hours for it to load. So, you had time to go downstairs and make yourself a nice post-masturbatory snack or, if you felt especially saucy, you could order a pizza. So, it was good for the economy.

You’d go back upstairs and, with all that pint up tension, you were bound to finish before anything weird happened. You’d eat your snack and rest peacefully, just as God intended.

But nowadays, you go to any one of these sites and you’re instantly bombarded with image after image of people munching on each other’s prolapsed rectums. Now, maybe I’m old fashioned, but I miss the days when internal organs stayed inside the body. You can call me a prude, if you must, but some traditions should never die.

(listen at http://soundcloud.com/yourfaultforlistening/yeoman)

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