I had a child for one very specific reason: a legitimate excuse to avoid my friends.

When you have social anxiety it’s hard to always come up with a believable, if not good reason to avoid the ones you love, and you can only pretend to have died once or twice before they catch on. I sometimes wonder if Jesus just pulled the ultimate long con. I mean, his friends were especially shitty, so I’d understand. And if that strategy has truly worked for the last 2000 plus years, I’d be willing to call him my personal savior and follow his example with zeal.

Aside from faking my own death, I once ghosted a friend’s wedding because Fred Meyers had a sale on baked goods. The shameful part of it is how easy a decision it was for me. Be witness to the prelude to someone else’s marital bliss or my night alone with cheesecake?Simple. If you think about it, they’re the selfish ones for getting married. And then inviting me? Blatantly inconsiderate.

(listen at http://soundcloud.com/yourfaultforlistening/kuppenbender)

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