OK Portland, we need to discuss your driving.

First of all, if you’re trying to move forward, you have to use the pedal on the right. Otherwise, you’re stopping. Also, blinkers. They exist and serve a specific purpose. Also, climate is a thing. You’ll have to learn to work with it. And if someone’s trying to change lanes, you have two basic options. You can either be nice and slow down, to let them change lanes, or you can be an asshole and speed up. What you cannot do is speed up just enough to pull up beside them, look over, and honk as though they’re being unreasonable for not sideswiping you.

To be fair, I realize every city and state has its fair share of incompetent drivers, but it seems clear to me they all move here. I’m even willing to acknowledge that I’m part of the problem. Since moving here, I’ve apparently forgotten how to park.

Do I leave my car in the middle of traffic or on the sidewalk? I’m pretty sure it depends on the time of day. Even if I’m prepared to not park like a piece of shit dangling from the rear of a bearded collie, I play this little game called “Is It A Parking Space?” SPOILER ALERT: It’s not a parking space. It’s never a parking space. I’m not even convinced Portland has parking spaces. Regardless of neighborhood, there’s just a series of rectangles that seem like they should be parking spaces.

(listen at https://soundcloud.com/yourfaultforlistening/brockett)


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