It’s probably safe to assume my fans are all sex positive. Personally, I’m not.

It has nothing to do with morality or superstition. I’m just terrified of STDs – phobic. Like I’ve had sex before, which is why I’m convinced I have undetectable gonorrhea. And of course I realize I could just wear a condom, but I also know me, and I know my luck, and knowing my luck I’ll be the first person to strap on a prophylactic lined with HPV.

Living in Portland, I frequently hear the words “the more promiscuous the cleaner.” And that may very well be true, assuming your genitals are a kitchen, but here in Reality Land it turns out sexually transmitted diseases are transmitted sexually; it’s in the fucking name. Still, everyone in this city walks around coughing and sniffling all year, complaining about allergies. It’s not allergies, Portland. It’s AIDS.

(listen at


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