Lease A Nigga

Comedy hasn’t been too lucrative for me. So, I’ve been looking into other business ventures to explore. So far, the best I’ve come up with is a service I like to call “Lease A Nigga,” because everyone needs a black friend sometimes, but no one wants a nigga around all the time.

Here at Lease A Nigga, we specialize in only the highest quality niggas – no suit wearing, book reading, uppity types thinking they’re your equals. No. All of our niggas are 100% ghetto certified to fulfill your every expectation and treat your white women like the beautiful trophies they are. And for the men, we’ve got niggeresses to ease the despair of being a heterosexual white man. The best part is niggas are 100% disposable and compostable.

Lease A Nigga: Alleviating all your white guilt without eliminating a single bias.

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Nightmare Creatures

Oregon’s a lovely place to live, except that every autumn and winter is an elaborate game of What Nightmare Creatures Live in My Home?

Last year, I lived in a house with three housemates. Each housemate owned a cat, and each year the house was overtaken by a cloud of gnats, driving our poor kitties mad. Then, one early winter morning, I stepped into my bathroom, which I didn’t recall having a carpet. So, I turned on the light to discover an undulating sea of silver fish. I had never seen silver fish before. So as far as I was concerned, these were aliens, and I didn’t want to step on them for fear they’d release a distress call to the mother ship, issuing in a full-blown invasion. I don’t need that kind of responsibility on my shoulders, which is also why I didn’t vote for Trump.

Point being, in one house, in one infestation season, we had three pissed off cats, a fog of gnats, and a silver fish mat. It was like if Dr. Seuss had gone to hell.

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Social Justice Warrior?

As my readers and listeners know, I have a habit of saying socially and politically provocative things, and sometimes this gets me accused of being a “social justice warrior,” which I think is unfair. It seems to me, a social justice warrior should have to do something – join a protest, make a sign, sign a petition, hold a bake sale. Something! I’m just an alcoholic with insomnia spouting uninformed opinions at two in the morning. Calling me a “social justice warrior” is like declaring every man, woman, and child in The United States a military veteran just because the nation’s always at war.

Right now, we’re at war with our hippest enemy ever, ISIS. The name alone is dope as fuck. ISIS. Sounds like a skinny, Black woman with a big ass and an afro who says “baby” a lot. I expect Samuel L. Jackson to show up at the end of every beheading video to yell, “Allahu akbar, motherfucker!” But the real reason ISIS is so hip is their social media recruitment strategy. My only question is am I the only one not getting friend requests from ISIS?

It’s not like I don’t get friend requests. I’m a comedian; it goes with the territory. The moment you enter the public sphere, your standards for accepting friend requests plummets. First it’s “only if I know you in real life.”

“Only if we have fifty mutual friends.”



“Only if you’re a comedian.”

“Only if you’re holding a microphone.”

“Only if you have nice hair.”

“Fuck it! We’re friends!”

Even so, not one friend request from ISIS. And I’m not saying I would go if I got an evite from ISIS, but I would certainly click “Interested” to boost attention.

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