As my readers and listeners know, I have a habit of saying socially and politically provocative things, and sometimes this gets me accused of being a “social justice warrior,” which I think is unfair. It seems to me, a social justice warrior should have to do something – join a protest, make a sign, sign a petition, hold a bake sale. Something! I’m just an alcoholic with insomnia spouting uninformed opinions at two in the morning. Calling me a “social justice warrior” is like declaring every man, woman, and child in The United States a military veteran just because the nation’s always at war.

Right now, we’re at war with our hippest enemy ever, ISIS. The name alone is dope as fuck. ISIS. Sounds like a skinny, Black woman with a big ass and an afro who says “baby” a lot. I expect Samuel L. Jackson to show up at the end of every beheading video to yell, “Allahu akbar, motherfucker!” But the real reason ISIS is so hip is their social media recruitment strategy. My only question is am I the only one not getting friend requests from ISIS?

It’s not like I don’t get friend requests. I’m a comedian; it goes with the territory. The moment you enter the public sphere, your standards for accepting friend requests plummets. First it’s “only if I know you in real life.”

“Only if we have fifty mutual friends.”



“Only if you’re a comedian.”

“Only if you’re holding a microphone.”

“Only if you have nice hair.”

“Fuck it! We’re friends!”

Even so, not one friend request from ISIS. And I’m not saying I would go if I got an evite from ISIS, but I would certainly click “Interested” to boost attention.

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