Back when I was a kid, advertising was a lot friendlier. It was always, “Hey look! Here’s a baby. Doesn’t that make you happy? If so, maybe you should buy our product. It smells like pine cones.” Personally, that’s all I need to convince me to buy something I don’t need. A pine-scented baby? I’ll charge two to my credit card.

But nowadays, there’s a lot more, “Buy this, you loser. Don’t you want to be cool and make friends? If you buy our product, your ex will realize how much they love you, you’ll get your job back, and your children might even forgive you. If you don’t buy our product, you’ll just continue to whither away into an empty husk of a being, until you finally take your miserable life with your own weathered hands. Coca-Cola!”

(listen at


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